I am sure this has been done before. Nonetheless, it was new to my mind …
Special Personal Assistant (SPA)
Location: Your home, such as it is
(This position requires use of one’s own home, car and personal monies.)
Job Duties: As a special personal assistant (SPA), you will provide client with the following services, including, but in no way limited to:
Personal shopping (including all personal necessities such as, but not limited to: clothing, food, drink, recreational items, etc., plus unnecessary items) Expense account will be drawn from personal monies. Expense account will also cover gifts and other items for client's friends.
Housekeeping Client will be living in your home. For at least the first five years of employment, client will not significantly assist with any housekeeping. This is non-negotiable. Client will likely create disproportionate increased demand for housekeeping of all sorts: laundry, cooking, cleaning, sorting, disinfecting, and etc.
Personal caretaking, including, but not limited to: bathing, grooming, brushing teeth, trimming nails, cleaning ears (inside and behind), toileting (specifically, disposing, wiping, flushing, and proper hygienic follow up), dressing, undressing, lifting, carrying, transporting, etc.
Entertainment: SPA will be responsible for keeping client entertained to his or her personal satisfaction during “Job Hours” (see below.)
Emotional Support: SPA will be responsible for providing both emotional and moral support to client, including but not limited to 1) serving as a proper “role model”* 2) amending and ameliorating any emotional distress experienced by client during “Job Hours” (see below.) SPA will also be responsible for maintaining and organizing client's social life, and for assuring client has one.
Health care: SPA will be responsible for managing all aspects of client’s health care and health care services—including maintaining proper insurance coverage—during “Job Hours” (see below.) If client suffers any permanent injuries during SPA tenure, SPA will be held fully responsible.
Job Hours: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for duration of position (see below.)
Breaks: If SPA would like a break, SPA is solely responsible for arrangements to have job duties covered during the break period by a qualified professional. It is unwise to take frequent and/or extended breaks.
Sleep: Job duties continue during the period of time normally referred to as “sleep.” Expect sleep to be become highly truncated during the period, “Job Hours,” and for up to, but in no way limited to, 18 years.
Additional contractual items:
Seniority: After 13 (on average) years of employment, your client will not reward you with actual pay, increased benefits or any other form of employee recognition. Rather, your employer will potentially grow resentful and possibly hostile toward you while still depending heavily on your professional services, and drawing more heavily on “expense account.” (See above.)
Possible Occupational Hazards: Sleep deprivation, impacted personal relationships, increased stress, possible, numerous and unpredictable physical hazards, significant impacts on personal cash reserves and possible negative impacts on mental health status, especially during first years of position, but possibly also beyond that.
Duration of Position: Until client or personal assistant becomes deceased. Any attempts to leave this position before the 18th year of service will be considered a criminal act at worst, and a total, irreparable mistake at best. After the 18th year, SPA job duties may decline somewhat, however “the position” must continue to be maintained by you. There is no “sabbatical,” paid or unpaid leave, “exit strategy,” “escape clause,” “golden (or any other colored) parachute,” or “retirement” period for this position.
Benefits: There are no significant monetary benefits, and significant negative impacts on expense account/personal monies, for the period “Job Hours” up until roughly the 25th year of the position. After that time, it is highly likely that there will continue to be no monetary benefits, and possibly significant continued and compounded expenses, for the duration of the position. (See “Duration of Position” above.)
Non-monetary Benefits can include the following, and are in no way limited to: increased wisdom, increased intuitive capacity, increased capacity for compassion and love, increased humor, increased sense of being “present.” Great joy. Deepening of one’s overall “human-hood.” Confrontation/illumination of one’s inner weaknesses and demons. Possible accelerated spiritual development. Someone to Love.
Qualifications: Remarkably—and perhaps unfortunately—there are no qualifications for this highly demanding position. Seemingly unqualified applicants often “grow” into the position and eventually excel at job duties. We strongly advise those who do not feel even remotely qualified for this position, not to apply.
Note: the application process if often highly pleasurable.
Note to potential applicants: Contrary to the seemingly insurmountable challenges of the SPA position, there is extremely high demand for this position. Applicants who do not receive the position have been known to fall into emotional despair. Some individuals invest significant monetary and other resources toward landing the position. At the same time, persons who did not even truly mean to apply for the position can land the position, seemingly by accident or mistake.
Once the position is offered, there is no way to decline the position, although one can abandon position duties. Generally speaking, THIS IS CONSIDERED A CRIMINAL ACT AND IS FULLY PUNISHABLE BY LAW. (Please refer to the laws of your own country and/or state.) Important Exception: Legal means do exist for those who feel quite unqualified for the position, or who have landed the position by utter mistake or by force. In these cases, arrangements can be made to transfer client to a qualified applicant.
A note to those who have landed the position: Congratulations, and keep up the good work!
This position is offered by: God, Life, the Universe. God, Life, the Universe is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate based on gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, moral/ethical status, or any other consideration, whatsoever. Significant questions regarding this position may be directed to: Oneself.
*There is no specific handbook or manual provided for this duty.